I faked it, I faked the level of how sad I really was.
After my late husband passed away, people constantly asked me if I was okay and I understood that they were concerned about me, After a few months had passed. I don't think they want to hear that you are still sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, pissed off at your partner for dying, pissed off at God for taking him away.
So I forced myself to fake my feelings during the day when I was around people, to make it okay and better so that people don't have to feel sorry for me. I spent as much time as possible at work, pushed the feelings aside as much as I could and I got things done. I could even speak about my late husband's passing without shedding a tear.
But the clock never stops ticking and it meant I had to go home at some point.
Opening the front door, was the hardest because I knew he would not be on the other side, not even the ghost version, as I would walked through the house, I would look for signs that he could still be around, watching over me, checking if I was okay but there were none.
Before my late husband passed away, he promised me that he would not visit me and that I shouldn't contact any person that speaks to the dead to check on him.
The silence in the house was overwhelming, and it reminded me everyday that I was alone, I was no longer a wife, just a widow and most nights I would go to my room and curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep.
Sometimes silence is violent because it brings the truth. It leaves you with your thoughts, certain things play over and over in your head, things you don't want to think of,..... maybe I should have, what if I had.
I wanted to wash him, but he was too tired and I said I would do it the next morning but he passed away early hours of the morning, I still feel guilty that I never washed him. I remember the brown stuff that came out of his mouth and nose and how I tried to lift him because I thought it would choke him to death. I battled trying to forget that for a long time after he passed.
The mind can control you, if you let it, it can consume you negatively, it can cause you to go into depression. You have to find ways to switch it off, find things that makes you happy, do things that make you happy and you know what, don't give a shit about what anyone says or thinks. Find your happy place. 💕💕 My happy place is the ocean.
Thank you for being a part of my journey
Lynntox
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